Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
