Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize