I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
