i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
