I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
