ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
