wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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