Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
