Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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