I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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