I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
