You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
