I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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