she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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