You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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