On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
