i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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