How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
