K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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