so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
