I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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