I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
