I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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