Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
