I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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