woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
