at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
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