I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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