Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
