remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
