I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
