Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
home. puking in laundry basket.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize