A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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