I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
