areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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