He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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