Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
