I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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