please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
