I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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