what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
