I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize