He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My vagina just clenched in fear
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
