are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
