if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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