epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
