Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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