I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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