the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My pussy is not your playground.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
