last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
