FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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