Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
