I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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