I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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