I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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