The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
