dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
