I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
