We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
