I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
