You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
