When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
