I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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